A couple weeks ago I got a traffic ticket. It was no big deal, you could say — a rolling stop on a right turn, with no other cars or pedestrians in the intersection. Still, I was guilty: There was, to be honest, rather more rolling than stopping going on. The cops can’t let everyone off with a warning, and just because they often do, I have no right to feel entitled to it. So I can’t get upset with anyone except myself — especially since I was a block from home when I did it. So close!
But to me, it was a bit of a big deal. At age 50, this was my first traffic ticket. And as I was sitting in my car right outside my home — being processed while neighbors who saw the police lights and heard the short “whoop” of the siren were probably looking out their windows — I felt like my world had gone a little awry. Who, me? This sort of thing doesn’t happen to me! I’m the good kid! I never even had to stay after school! (Except for giggling in class once, and that was the fault of the kid sitting next to me who kept cracking me up. Blame him, not me!)
The process only took a few minutes, but it felt longer. While I sat in my car, my mailman passed by, trying to pretend he wasn’t looking. “Rolling stop,” I felt I had to say, with a weak smile. (Translation: "I didn't do anything really bad!") “Hey, it happens,” he replied, letting me off the hook. As the officer read me info on my court date, I thought: Me, in court? Did I mention that I’m the good kid? Needless to say, I chose to fill out the papers to plead guilty and paid the fine on the spot. I just wanted to get it over with.
Of course, it’s not quite over with. Because now I have a record, and I can’t drive around with the cocky immunity of the never-been-busted, feeling I’m safe so long as I don’t do anything too bad. Now they’ve seen through my façade and know that I’m not so righteous and respectable: I’m a scofflaw. Now I know there’ll be consequences if I get caught taking little liberties again. I know that someone might be watching me, and judging me.
Now, in short, I have to face a bit of reality — a reality that I’d found easy to avoid up till now.
Which brings me to some spiritual realities. This little stain on my image is a reminder that I’m being watched and judged all the time, by Someone who can see far worse things in me than traffic violations born of impatience and spring fever. And the things He can see — things like pride, lust, self-absorption, willfulness, rebellion against my Maker, and on and on — deserve far greater penalties. All the more reason to be thankful that He has borne those penalties for me so that what He does see in looking at me is not my sins, but Christ’s righteousness.
Earthly penalties for our sins can be healthy reminders of these realities — far healthier for us than seemingly getting away with our sins, which promotes the lazy assumption on our part that those sins aren’t so serious or so urgent after all. (Plenty of time to repent and clean up my act later on, right?) Even penalties for little things that may hardly seem to count as sins — a rolling stop, say — can be helpful if they remind us that there are consequences for our actions and that we may be getting casually comfortable about bending the rules. Better to be get a wake-call now than after we get casual about bigger stuff, with bigger consequences.
What about you? Have you ever had a wake-up call by being “busted” — not necessarily by the police, but by someone who called you to accountability for your actions?
Here is a woman who got married earlier this year. It was a beautiful event. All her family and friends were there. It was even highlighted in her South Dakota town newspaper. It was such a remarkable event that everyone in her town and beyond have been talking about it ever since. The wedding gifts piled up. She has been celebrating her new life ever since the big day. And she realizes that if the relationship is to work, she must invest in it. To that end, she explains, "It's been a while since my wife and I have been on a date, so this is long overdue." And out the door they go, to their favorite Indian restaurant, so happy to be with each other.
Our new bride, Nadine, is not a lesbian; however, she does have a female spouse whom she loves deeply. Confused? Well the explanation will be of little help. You see, Nadine married herself.
At her wedding, she recited her vows of love and commitment ... to herself. Her first marriage — to an actual other person — ended in divorce, and her two children decided to live with their father. Heartbroken, Nadine decided it was time to pull her life together and commit herself to that one special person who could really love and accept her for who she was. How many people truly find that in their lives? She explains, "The love I need, it's in here ..." tenderly patting her heart. She tells herself regularly and assuredly that she loves her, as good marriage partners do.
This is not a stunt for attention. It's not a practical joke. It is not sarcasm. For Nadine, this is real. She doesn't seem to be split personality. She has committed herself to that person who she loves most. After all, aren't we told today that each of us has the right to marry the person we love? Don't worry if that person is yourself.
Of course, this raises a number of curious questions, relationship-wise:
At whose family do they spend Christmas and Thanksgiving?
Do they split the household chores equitably?
When they have a fight, who sleeps on the couch?
How do both get what all relationships need: "alone time"?
If they were to ever divorce, who moves out, and would she need to show fault?
So what do we make of this?
Perhaps this is a natural conclusion of a culture that has so dramatically subjectified marriage and family; make it all about what is best for you! The thinking goes that if you are happy, then those around you will be happy. That is the present version of the hyper-popish I'm OK, You're OK nonsense from the 1970s. Been there, done that. It didn't' work. But here we are, trying it again.
Fritz Perls, a world-class guru of 1960/70s gestalt psycho-babble, had no small number of couples marrying in those days reciting his "gestalt prayer" as their wedding vows:
I do my thing, and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you and I am I
And if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.
True happiness is never gained by watching out for yourself as a central life goal. It comes by understanding who you are — who God made you to be — and giving that to others around you for their benefit as a gift of self. Service. It is so not about you.
But if we are honest, far too many of us marry ourselves. We just happen to bring our spouse along. Think about it.
But we must ask the question, "If I am to please and honor Christ in my marriage, who is it that I should serve and sacrifice for?"
It is not self. It is our beloved, just as Christ gave himself for His beloved, who is each of us.
How can it already be almost the end of May? I have no idea where this month has gone. Worse, I feel pressure to maximize the next few weeks, because May and June are my favorite months of the year.
As the days get longer and the air warmer (sorry, southern hemisphere folks) I get more excited about getting outside and celebrating this season called summer. It even prompts me to accomplish unwelcome tasks like hosing off my patio furniture, planting flowers, raking my side yard and washing my windows.
This show is a celebration of the start of summer. Some of our bloggers gather for this week's roundtable to talk about life on the blog, what they're planning to write about next, and who they're reading when they're not writing for you. I then turn to a summer staple — baseball — and finish the show with a guy who's tired of being overlooked in the dating pool (kinda like a swimming pool, but murkier and chillier).
What defines summer for you? What plans do you have for the next few months? Oh, and because you're part of our family, we'll let you in on some awesome news: Boundless is now the No. 3 website at Focus on the Family in terms of unique visitors, right after Focus on the Family and Plugged In! You're part of our success, so celebrate with us, spread the word and tell your friends to give us a look. Maybe we'll reach No. 1!
Summer Blogging -- 00:00
We love our blogging team. They're such a diverse group of folks, with unique backgrounds, styles and experiences. A gaggle of them joins us this week to update us on what's coming up on the Boundless blog, what's planned for the summer, and who they're following in the blogosphere and beyond.
Play Ball! -- 21:50
There are a lot of Christians in professional sports, but nowhere is the ratio higher than in major league baseball. From Pujols to Hamilton to Gonzalez, major leaguers are taking their faith to the field. Mike Yorkey and Jesse Florea, authors of Playing With Purpose, join me for a fun and inspiring discussion around America's favorite pastime and the players who put Jesus before fame and fortune.
Mike Yorkey (far right) with his wife and friends at Petco Park, watching the San Diego Padres
Jesse Florea (right, in case you weren't sure) and Mike Kingery of the Colorado Rockies during batting practice at Coors Field 13 years ago
Christian Nice Guys -- 47:40
We hear from a lot of ladies who feel overlooked by the single men in their spheres, but we've learned that the feeling cuts both ways. Guys complain of being passed by, too, and this listener wants to know why he's dubbed the "Christian nice guy" who apparently isn't dateable. Fortunately John Thomas is here to offer some encouragement and advice.
Have you seen Gap’s new “Be Your Own T” campaign? One of the campaign's ads is this:
This clear endorsement of homosexuality is a clear violation of what we as Christ-followers believe Scripture teaches about the distinction of male and female, and how God created two distinct genders to complement each other.
A conservative group, One Million Moms, responded to the ad by saying that Gap and all of its affiliated brands "do not deserve, nor will it get, money from conservative families until they decide to remain neutral in the culture war" (see "One Million Moms Protest GAP Clothing Gay Billboard").
It’s important to remember that this is a well-thought-out campaign by Gap to intentionally communicate something particular. You can see what that message is in a response my friend received after she wrote to Gap to express her distaste for this campaign:
Thank you for your email about the Summer campaign at Gap. At Gap, we embrace inclusion and diversity. Our customers and employees are of many different ethnicities, faiths, and lifestyles and our advertising reflects this diversity. We’re proud to feature a gay couple in the “Be Your Own T” campaign which expresses different personalities, heritages, styles and passions.
Let’s not be under any illusion about what Gap and other groups that choose to promote homosexuality are communicating: Their idea of diversity is defined as not only tolerance but full-blown celebration of "different lifestyles." And if you and your deeply held religious convictions fall outside their idea of diversity? Well, there doesn’t seem to be room for that kind of diversity.
What do we do with this information? I’m not a big fan of the “boycott” — apart from questions of efficacy, I’m not sure that it portrays the right attitude to a lost world that needs Christ. So my question is how should Christians respond to this ad? Do we embrace their idea of diversity? Do we turn the other direction? Do we actively campaign against it?
I don’t have any great answers, but as Christians who are called to be in but not of the world (John 17:14-16) I do know it’s an issue we need to discuss and think deeply about.
It's tough being an average guy today with the onslaught of superhero movies. I say that partially in jest, but for all the perfection with which the media bombards women regarding their bodies, men take it on the chin for our capabilities and charisma. Take Iron Man, for example. When he's not donning his armored suit, he's a rich, witty and brilliant engineer. Or how about Captain America with his apple-pie humility, pure-as-snow motivation and selfless sacrifice? These superheroes make it look easy to save the world and come out smelling like a rose; most men would be hard pressed not to find something they admire in those characters.
Now take my life in contrast: My fiancée calls after a long day at work to tell me her alarm system has gone off earlier in the day. As she's driving back to her home very concerned, I'm sitting on my couch in my apartment an hour away. I'm trying to reassure her everything's fine by explaining the dozen ways it was probably a false alarm (it was) while calculating the price of fuel to make a round trip to her house and back. I felt completely helpless that night. Not that my fiancée couldn't handle it herself, but I wanted to be there in that moment to lend my support. Some hero I was.
But Nathan, you say, those are movies. This is real life! Yes, but there's a part of me that wants to swoop in and rescue hundreds from a crashing building, or weave a supercharged Audi through heavy city traffic at night to get back to my underground lab. Instead, I putt around town in a four-door sedan with a high crash-test rating, while obeying all traffic signals. Not that I'm complaining; I prefer to follow the law. I'm simply highlighting the differences between the awesomeness that is a superhero's life and my own.
Now back to real life. I remember watching a documentary on World War II where a veteran was telling about a scared farm boy taking cover next to him in a foxhole. They were both just kids, he said. Teenagers. The farm boy put his head up in a moment of silence and was shot dead the next. What heroic thing did he do to aid in the war effort? Nothing. But he was present and ready to fight. In that veteran's eyes he was a hero and very much a part of the greatest generation. I'd have to agree.
After hearing that story, I was reminded that the presence of real men in today's culture is a kind of silent heroism. Don't get me wrong, simply taking up space does not constitute heroism; it's the willingness to venture into an arena of larger sacrifice, challenge and sometimes danger that makes the difference.
Many are doing that literally on the frontlines overseas, while others occupy suburbia, the inner city and the rural countryside. They are out there in force, spiritually leading and protecting in the best way they know how given the circumstances. Alongside them are women of equal character. And while these men's contributions may be much less visible than what's shown on the big screen, their courage and commitment is identical.
Throughout his life, C.S. Lewis wrote several essays, letters and newspaper pieces defending the Christian faith. Many are compiled in the book, God in the Dock, in which, I recently stumbled upon a short reflection on prayer. Consistent with his reputation, Lewis gave me a lot of chew on.
Lewis wrestled with two primary frustrations many experience with prayer: first, the peculiarity that God seemingly needs our advice in the first place and, second, that God sometimes (or even often) doesn’t do what we ask Him to. We all know that God doesn’t look to us for wisdom, so why have Christians historically offered prayers for daily bread, for the sick, for protection and for salvation? And why do so many Christians learn through experience that God reserves and often claims the right to say no?
It’s here that Lewis paints a picture that I think is very helpful, emphasizing God’s purpose in allowing us to participate with Him in His story.
Lewis writes:
We know that we can act and that our actions produce results. Everyone who believes in God must therefore admit (quite apart from the question of prayer) that God has not chosen to write the whole of history with His own hand. Most of the events that go on in the universe are indeed out of our control, but not all. It is like a play in which the scene and the general outline of the story is fixed by the author, but certain minor details are left for the actors to improvise. It may be a mystery why He should have allowed us to cause real events at all; but it is no odder that He should allow us to cause them by praying than by any other method (pp. 105-106).
This is a helpful way to think about serving God through both our work and our prayer. In these ways, God allows us to participate in His story. He has established several major plot points, but much of the story is left to us. It’s a mystery that we are allowed to participate in the story at all and even more so that part of our role includes prayer.
Not only does God let us play our part, but He also invites us to come to Him with inquiries and requests about how the story might proceed. In prayer, we can participate in story changes that couldn’t happen in any other way than that the Author divinely intervene. In the grandest story ever told, God has written into the story His own willingness to hear and respond to His people’s desires.
However, God graciously does not hand the script over to us and allow a complete rewrite. He has, as any storyteller should, reserved the right to accept or deny our requests. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make them, only that there are parts of the story He will preserve.
Again, Lewis says it best,
Prayers are not always—in the crude, factual sense of the word—'granted.' This is not because prayer is a weaker kind of causality, but because it is a stronger kind. When it 'works' at all it works unlimited by space and time. That is why God has retained a discretionary power of granting or refusing it; except on that condition prayer would destroy us. It is not unreasonable for a headmaster to say, 'Such and such things you may do according to the fixed rules of this school. But such and such other things are too dangerous to be left to general rules. If you want to do them you must come and make a request and talk over the whole matter with me in my study. And then—we'll see' (p. 107).
Admittedly, it can be easy to get frustrated with prayer, especially when we’ve seen a lot of our requests refused. But perhaps the problem is that we don’t understand the story well enough. We often think we know how the present scene should go, but a quick study of history shows many brilliant scenes when people suffered and the story got even better.
In our times of prayer, the more we know the Storyteller and the story He's telling, the more we will rejoice in prayer, regardless of how He answers, because we trust Him and that His story will prove spectacular nevertheless.
Saving sex for marriage is a herculean challenge these days. Our culture denigrates chastity and elevates sex to an idolatrous pedestal. To deny yourself sexual pleasure, we’re constantly told, shown and sold, is considered an unhealthy denial of your very self. Standing in opposition to that seductive lie is Scripture’s teaching that God has a beautiful, sacred and unifying purpose in mind for sex within the context of marriage, a way of thinking that's increasingly countercultural.
As hard as it might be for “normal” folks to pursue a life of chastity, imagine how hard it must be for a celebrity brave enough to proclaim he’s a virgin and that he’s waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m talking about New York Jets quarterback and outspoken Christian Tim Tebow, of course, who said exactly that at a press conference in April. If his high profile status and forthright confession didn’t make him target enough, shortly after that press conference, the controversial online dating site Ashley Madison (which markets its services to married people who want to cheat) offered a $1 million bounty for any woman who could prove that she’d had sex with him.
Sordid and meanspirited though that offer may be, it prompted Sacramento youth pastor Cole Zick to take action. Specifically, Zick has founded a new grassroots organization called We Will Wait (www.wewillwait.org). Its purpose to encourage people to embrace God’s standard of sexual abstinence until marriage or to re-embrace that ideal if they’ve fallen short of it in the past.
Cole shared his heart for the new ministry in a YouTube video. And those visiting the site will find grace-filled exhortation when it comes to maintaining or regaining sexual purity as a single awaiting marriage.
“Many people make decisions in high school or college thinking that those decisions will be isolated from their adult lives and marriages. Then one day [they] find things falling apart because they were never able to conquer sexual habits that were created in the name of fun. The term, casual sex, has become a generational icon. Though we label it casual, too often our hearts and emotions know it’s anything but,” the site’s homepage says.
“Even with these cultural realities,” it continues, “there are still some that choose to wait until they are married to have sex. Even more that know the pain of losing something that they can’t get back and have made the choice to start today and wait. There are some who choose not to 'drink the Kool-Aid' and make a stand for themselves rather than bow to broken cultural beliefs. This is not a call to perfection but rather a focus on the value of an individual. For those who know the pain of these decisions we encourage you to address your pain. Today you can make a choice to heal. For those who have yet to and are still virgins we encourage you to wait until marriage.”
In a press release for the campaign, Zick added, “We believe that there is a large group of the young adult population that are choosing to make abstinence a lifestyle. Regardless of if they are virgins, have been sexually active, or are somewhere in the middle, many are choosing to wait starting today.”
After watching Zick’s introductory video and glancing over the group’s website, a couple of things stood out to me.
I appreciated his humility, especially since it was mingled with a realistic acknowledgement that many people out there haven’t chosen to wait, but perhaps now regretfully wish they would have. Zick is neither naïve nor Pollyannish when it comes to the reality that many singles struggle with sexual temptation and sometimes fall prey to it.
That said, his challenge to make a fresh recommitment to chastity — even if for those who’ve blown it — is absolutely in harmony with the messages of grace, forgiveness and second chances we find in Scripture.
Three boys were bragging about the perks of their fathers’ professions.
The first boy says, “My dad’s a professor. I’m gonna be college-educated for nothing.”
The second boy says, “Whatever, dude. My dad’s a doctor. I’m gonna be healthy for nothing.”
The last boy looks at them both, and says, “Yeah? Well, my dad’s a pastor. I’m gonna be good for nothing."
This is just one of thousands of jokes out there aimed at pastor's kids or "PKs." The profession, not to mention the kids who grow up around it, has for centuries provided fodder for jokes, sermon illustrations and moral lessons the world over.
My dad was a pastor when I was very young, and the stories I've heard about life in the pulpit and parsonage are by turns hilarious and humbling. Being a pastor is no easy gig.
This week we celebrate the life of the PK. It's no easy gig, either, but is a unique one filled with ups and downs, perks and burdens. Join us as we go inside the heads of those who've lived it first-hand.
PKs, Unplugged -- 00:00
You either are one, know one or have observed one in his or her natural habitat. Pastor's Kids (PKs) are an interesting breed. They have their share of joys and challenges, so we assembled a group of them to dish a behind-the-scenes look at what it's like to be at church every time the doors are open, feel held to an arbitrary (higher) moral standard, and live through the ups and downs of life in this imperfect place called "church."
Son of a Preacher Man -- 23:50
Tim Willard's dad is a pastor, and Tim learned early on that life in that line of work isn't always rosy. In fact, Tim's childhood church went through a split, and the turmoil caused Tim to walk away from the church and his Christian faith for a season. Listen in as Tim, author of Veneer, shares the reality check he got when it comes to a fellowship of believers and what it was that ultimately drew him back.
Your Dad Scares Me -- 45:26
Her dating life has stalled, and she thinks it's because her dad's a pastor. Every time she goes out with a guy, the minute talk of her father and his profession comes up, the guy bolts. What gives? Is dating a pastor's daughter that intimidating? Counselor Glenn Lutjens weighs in.
Turning the other cheek sounds good on paper. But what about when it actually happens?
I heard my dad tell a story the other night that stunned me, and it’s had me thinking ever since.
He said that several years ago, the Islamic apologist Ahmed Deedat spoke at the oldest Islamic university in Malaysia. Deedat was a brash and antagonistic speaker, and during his presentation he said that Christianity was completely unlivable.
A Christian faculty member, Professor Lee, stood up during the Q&A time and asked Deedat why he thought Christianity was unlivable. Deedat told Lee to come forward. When Lee walked up, Deedat reached back and hit him soundly in the face. Then he looked at Lee and said, “Now turn the other cheek.”
With his face still stinging from the hit, Lee turned. Deedat was stunned, but decided to push the argument. Next he demanded that Lee give him the shirt off his back.
With an audience of students watching, Lee obliged. Deedat then ordered Lee to give him his pants, too. Lee turned to the students, gently apologized for what they were witnessing, gave his pants to Deedat and then walked out of the auditorium in his underwear.
Lee went to his office, but he wasn’t alone for long. For the next several hours, students came to see him, many in tears and all apologizing for what Deedat had done.
In just the span of a few minutes, the students saw love on trial — and it triumphed.
The Christian life isn’t easy. The story that played out at the university that day shows us why. But when it’s lived the way Christ demonstrated and commanded, it always wins in the end.
Today on his blog Stuff Christians Like, Jon Acuff articulates well something that has been filling me with a certain sadness for several years. In his post "Missing Sunday School," he laments (in a "Dear John letter" sort of way) the passing of Sunday School from many of our churches.
We traded you in for small groups and home groups and connect groups and journey groups. We moved you to Tuesday night or every third Wednesday night or the fourth Thursday night divided by 14 with no remainder carried over. Now when I go see you, I have to find a babysitter. And a couch from IKEA and a plate of Costco one bite brownies for everyone that comes over.
And I love small groups. I think they’re awesome. In addition to forming some great friendships, if it doesn’t work out, you can trade in your group for a new one. That was hard with you Sunday School. If things didn’t work out, I didn’t have a whole lot of options. I couldn’t dump you, knowing that every Sunday morning I’d see you waiting for me right outside of church. But with a small group, I’m free to move around.
When I was growing up, Sunday mornings consisted of a Sunday School class at 9 and worship with my family at 11. I know that this combination of experiences contributed to my spiritual growth and maturity. I was able to take a deeper look at God's Word with my peers at Sunday School, but I also learned to sit through adult worship, take notes on a sermon and observe how my family members worshiped the Lord.
That's why I'm sad that it's likely my own children won't receive this combination. Many children's ministries today are geared to give parents a place to drop off their children while they attend "big church." Or midweek youth group replaces a Sunday morning class. I agree with Acuff that something has been lost with the passing away of Sunday School. But is it an inevitable shift? As Acuff concludes:
Even though I like small groups, the more I think about it, the more I realize I miss you. I miss having the double feature of Sunday School and Church. I know it still exists. It’s still available at a ton of different churches. But, for 15 years, I haven’t seen you at the churches I attend.
I miss you, too, Sunday School. What have been your experiences with Sunday School? Is the church's move away from traditional Sunday morning classes a good thing? Do you miss Sunday School, or is it time to move on?
Sunday morning, while driving past the latest crop of University of Illinois graduates in their caps and gowns, I flashed back 28 years to my own graduation. Among other things, I remembered the engineering students starting up a chant: "We've got jobs! We've got jobs!" To which some of us liberal-arts-and-sciences grads lamely rejoined: "We've got personalities! We've got personalities!"
Let the record show that A) I didn't join the chanting, and B) some of my best friends are engineers. The wounds of those graduation-day taunts have healed. Really. Eventually.
But seriously, folks ... I have always wondered what it would have been like to have a clear and more-or-less obvious career path laid out in front of me. I was a poli sci grad. I had a general idea of what I wanted to do with my life: There were great battles to be fought, foreign and domestic, and I wanted to be a part of them. There was, however, no established procedure to get there. There are entry-level spots for lawyers, doctors, people working in business or technology. You get good grades and land one; you do good work, and you have a pretty good idea what sort of opportunities you'll have. It's not like that when you want to save the world or redeem the culture and make a living while you're at it.
Of course, the world is full of people who thought they knew what they were going to do with their lives, only to find that it doesn't work out that way. (An old saying: "Life is what happens while you're making other plans.") Also of course, job prospects for a lot of people are less promising now than they were in the '80s.
I'm curious. For those of you who are graduates (or are about to be), did/do you have a pretty good idea about your next career move after finishing college? Or was there a lot of uncertainty not just about exactly who you'd work for or where you'd live, but about what you could do at all? And for those of you who've been out of college a little longer, has your line of work gone pretty much as you expected, or has it taken a lot of unexpected turns?
One of the most universally intolerable things a person can do today is put children in harm’s way. Those who exploit, harm or endanger children are quickly vilified in our society and rightly so. In 2011, 18 leading family scholars from the nation’s top research institutions co-authored a report on the harmful effects of cohabitation on children.
The study affirmed cohabitation is on the rise. More and more people are choosing to live together before marriage, but often forget to consider how their decision will inevitably impact others outside their relationship, namely, their children. More than 40 percent of U.S. children now spend some time in a cohabitating household by their 12th birthday.
The problem is cohabitation is consistently unstable for children. In the United States, children 12 and under are 170 percent more likely to see the parents breakup if they are cohabitating and three times more likely to live in poverty. Cohabiting couples tend to spend more of their money on themselves and less on their children.
Additionally, the study found cohabitation is unsafe for children. Compared to children in intact, biological-married-parent homes, children in cohabitating homes are at least three times more likely to experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Children living with cohabitating couples are also significantly more likely to be delinquent at school, fail school or use drugs.
The report concluded that marriage is "an important public good" with a range of economic, health, educational and safety benefits that help all levels of government serve the common good. The researchers said, "The rise of cohabitating households with children is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children's lives in today's families."
If you or someone you care about is considering cohabiting, also consider the impact that decision will have on the children (or future children) involved. There are many other reasons to think twice before cohabiting, but one of the most compelling — yet ignored — is the impact it will have on the kids. Whatever perceived benefits couples chase through cohabitation, it’s selfish to make a decision that is both unstable and unsafe for children.
I’ve been following an interesting story the last week or so, one that at first glance might not seem immediately applicable to young adults in their 20s or 30s. That's because it involves a teenager who’s trying to change how photographed images of other teens are presented in a particular magazine. Still, I think some of her observations about the influential power of images are applicable to all of us, not just her teen peers.
In April, 14-year-old Julia Bluhm launched a petition at Change.org asking Seventeen magazine to publish at least one un-retouched photo in its magazine each issue. "I've always noticed how a lot of the images in magazines look Photoshopped," the eighth grader from Waterville, Maine, told Yahoo! Shine. "Girls shouldn't compare themselves to pictures in magazines, because they are fake." Since then, more than 60,000 people have signed her petition.
Last week, Bluhm took her petition to Seventeen's New York City offices and met with the magazine's editor in chief, Ann Shoket. Afterward, the magazine issued a somewhat squishy statement that affirmed Julia's initiative but stopped well short of anything like a pledge to make the changes Julia's petition has asked for.
"We’re proud of Julia for being so passionate about an issue — it’s exactly the kind of attitude we encourage in our readers — so we invited her to our office to meet with editor in chief Ann Shoket this morning. They had a great discussion, and we believe that Julia left understanding that Seventeen celebrates girls for being their authentic selves, and that’s how we present them. We feature real girls in our pages and there is no other magazine that highlights such a diversity of size, shape, skin tone and ethnicity."
San Francisco Chronicle blogger Margot Magowan deconstructed what the magazine's statement really said: "Listen, it may not seem like a big request, but if Seventeen published one un-Photoshopped picture of a teen per month, it would be pretty obvious that all of the other photos in our magazine are Photoshopped. If SeventeenMagazine made girls that aware that they are aspiring to look like the non-humans who the magazine celebrates, our readers might be less inclined to purchase all of the fine make-up, hair products, and clothing advertised in the pages of our magazine. Unfortunately for Julia and all teen girls, those advertising dollars keep our Photoshopped magazine on the racks and pay our salaries."
I think Magowan is right on the money — literally — with her translation. Reality doesn't sell. Fantasy does.
Teen girls (who are just beginning to form their identities) may be especially vulnerable to such idealized images of perfection. In a press release publicizing her petition, Bluhm talked about how they might undermine a girl's self-esteem. "I'm a teenage girl," she said, "and I know how it feels to think you're not good enough."
But just because we're not teens anymore doesn't mean we're not similarly susceptible to our culture's seductive visions of perfection. Whether it's how we look, the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, the houses we live in, advertising bombards us daily with hundreds (or, some researchers suggest, even thousands) of messages that who we are and what have isn't enough.
It's not just models that are airbrushed. In a metaphorical sense, reality gets a makeover on the checkout stand, in commercials on TV, in banner ads alongside the Internet content we engage with. The message: Buy this, possess this, look like this, and your life will be better.
Frankly, I know that I'm vulnerable to such images and messages. My particular struggle has less to do with the way I look (I'm almost 42, and my ripped ab days have been gone for a couple decades now) and more to do with the materialistic things I'm tempted to believe would make me happy.
I know better, of course. But it's so easy to let those images begin to influence our imagination. Before we know it, we grow discontent with some aspect of our life when in reality, God has truly blessed us.
In moments when we find ourselves comparing what we look like (or not) and what we have (or not) with those gleaming, radiant, Photoshopped images of perfection, we'd do well to take a moment to talk to God about what's real and what matters, and ask Him to refocus our hearts on what's real and true and good.
One of my parents’ rules when I was growing up was that my siblings and I were not to date in high school. Like Boundless, they believed dating was for the purpose of finding a spouse, and they didn’t believe high school was the proper time for that.
Being the compliant child I was, I thought their rule was great. I saw many benefits to it: I could focus on my studies and prepare for college. I didn’t have to worry about finding a date for the annual junior/senior banquet (the Christian school version of prom). Keeping my True Love Waits commitment would be easy. I could also avoid the heartache of going through a breakup.
But as I grew older and ended up also going through college without ever being asked out, I started to question my parents’ rule. Did my not dating in high school stunt my relational growth? I wondered. Had I dated in high school, would I be married and have a family by now?
I don’t know how my life would be different had I started dating earlier in life, but I think it’s safe to say my story would be different, whether for good or for bad.
I eventually came to the conclusion that rather than sitting around wondering what may have been, I should move forward and make the most of my time now as a young adult desiring marriage. Reading Candice Watters’ book Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen was a significant part of starting that journey.
If you were the parent of a 16-year-old son or daughter, from your experience, would you encourage or discourage him/her to date?
Another Mother's Day is around the corner! Have you found a way to honor your mom this year? I won't see my mom until June, so I had to find a way to connect with her via mail. And of course I'll call. Unfortunately there's no way I can get her on Fox News or orchestrate the Lord's return, so she'll have to settle for something on a smaller scale.
While you're loading the show or getting ready to hit "play," tell us below one of the ways your mom has blessed you. What makes her special? No mom is perfect, but God tells us straight-up that all moms are to be honored. By the way, a special shout to the single moms in our audience. We love you and are rooting for you!
Mary and Martha
Homemaker or Breadwinner? -- 00:00
It's no secret that how we grew up influenced who we are today. And nowhere is that impact more felt than in the role our mothers played in our formative years. Was your mom at home full time, or did she work? How has your memory of your mom from childhood shaped your view of motherhood as a whole? This week's panel comes from different backgrounds, and in a spirited but civil discussion, we talk homemakers, nine-to-fivers, daycare, latchkey kids and the joys and trials inherent in it all.
Mothers and Daughters -- 21:38
Most moms don't realize the many hats they'll wear during their motherhood journey. Darlene Brock, author of Help Wanted: Moms Raising Daughters, learned firsthand and lived to tell about it. Now the mom of two grown daughters, Darlene shares with us the unique privileges of transitioning from mom to friend, and gives tips on how daughters can have thriving relationships with their moms at any age or stage.
Dorothy and Lisa
Long-Distance Friendship -- 40:14
She's moved back home and away from friends she loves dearly. Will their relationships fade? How can she stay in touch in an intentional way? Must she invest in new friendships where she is when she has great friends far away? Caitlin Hetzel of the Focus Leadership Institute just made a move away from friends and has some great advice for those who want to stay in touch across the miles.
Music this week is by Christy Nockels. Learn more about her latest release, Into the Glorious, at www.christynockels.com.
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